I sit in my dorm room in solitude. My music blasts throughout the room, but yet it can't penetrate my ears. Instead the laughter of a girl enters my mind, consuming all in its reach. Instead of working on my two page essay due on Monday, I can't help but think about her.
Her lips always seem to be a bright rose red as if she had just drank fruit punch even though I know she hasn't. It is just her natural color as the color haunts me in my dreams. Even the shirt that I wear colored red is reminding me of her. As I close my dark brown eyes, I can see her crystal blue ones looking back on me.
What is this feeling? Her shadow looms over me. Everywhere I go, she follows in mind. She is never far away. People say it's just a phase, it will pass soon. Are they right? Can two years of these feelings go out the window? I had thought so when she admitted to me she wasn't open to the idea of gays. She would turn her head away when we watched Brothers and Sisters. At first I was angered, furious. She had struck me to the cord. Her words had scared me more than a blade ever could.
I have remained her friend, but slowly I was pushing her away. It was mental war that tore me up inside. I was being foolish. I was being a love sick teenager. No, I couldn't lower myself anymore. I wouldn't. Even if she had shared my feelings, her mother would have hung her by her toes while her father would have wrung me by the neck. We would have been shunned from our closed minded small town. No one would understand nor would they want to. It was the right thing to do.
I was determined to keep a distance from her for a little bit but alas I cannot. My walls I had spent days on building crumbled from the very sound of her voice from the other side of the phone. My wounds that I have licked in shame have been reopened. I had met up with her again. Every time she is near, my brain goes racing, trying not to say any unintelligent. I try to say a joke or a funny thing that had happened last week just to hear her laugh or to see her ruby lips smile. My heart is sent on a high speed chase. No, I reprimand myself. We're just friends. We're best friends. We have been since third grade. I was the new girl as she was the first brave one to ever say hi to me. Since then, we have been inseparable. No, I couldn't put our friendship in jeopardy. Breathe, I tell myself. Relax; you have no feelings for her anymore.
I have won the battle, but the war wasn't over. All it took was a touch and a bullet was sent soaring through the air. A new battle had begun. Her touch sent shivers down my spine and in other places I never knew could feel such pleasure. Was this the spark people talked about? For me it was a spark, but to her it was probably just a simple touch, nothing more. Another simple touch and again I was losing the futile battle. At that moment I didn't care what her parents would think or what my town would do to me. They could spit, yell, protest, but my feelings would not yield. People say I am too young to know anything of love, but I think I'm in love. It might hurt to know she would never love me back, but for now, she is a lovely distraction.